Lexx: Season 5
by DarkNepenthe
Summary: Short synopses of my version of what should happen in the episodes of non-existant season five. (Warning: Full of randomness. You knew it had to be.)
1. Lexx 5.01 : Lixx

Lexx 5.01: Lixx  
  
**Synopsis**: Still mourning for the loss of beautiful dead man Kai, Xev and Stan go to look at the two cryochambers that somehow grew on little Lexx. Little Lexx, has, for the purpose of clarity, been renamed "Lixx" by Stan. Lixx doesn't care at all, because he has the intelligence of one of Saran Wrap's cats. Well, through some bad luck, they both trip and fall into the cryochambers _at the same time_. They cryochambers close and somehow set themselves to a thousand years.  
So Stan and Xev wake up a thousand years later. And while Stan looks exactly the same as he has for five years of the show, Xev now has black hair that falls down to her butt and her skirt has hiked itself up shorter. And her lips might possibly be larger, but who can tell? They notice with surprise that a new crychamber has sprouted, and inside lies ... Kai! But they don't wake him up, for fear that it is all a lovely, lovely dream.  
They go to the bridge (or whatever) and on their way discover that Lixx has grown up to look suspiciously like Lexx. As in, the cheap Canadians have reused every set from the past seasons. (You thought they'd just thrown them away.) And 790's still sitting there, all tied up on his little cart thing. Only through his intense grief he's split himself into two different people: 792, who still loves Kai, and 796, who loves Stan. Twisted robot. God knows Stan doesn't want to be loved by the evil robot head, so he reprograms him to love Xev. (Hooray!)  
Back to they cryo-place they go and open Kai. He wakes up and says "Where's Fire? Where's Water?" and doesn't remember anything of the accursed fourth season. (Hooray!)  
So Stan's like, "Lixx, find us a new home." And immediately Lixx says, "I am orbiting a planet." And so they go land on it with the moths that are tinged ... pink so they don't look like the old moths.  
The planet (which happens to be inhabited by several naked, wrinkled old men) is being attacked by large uber-turkeys, and only by leaving blowing the planet up can the crew of the Lixx save the universe once again.  
  
**What the dead do not do**: Celebrate Thanksgiving; Brush their Hair; Remember what happened on "Earth"; Miss Prince; Give Sponge-baths.  
  
**Why there no one has sex**: The planet is being attacked by uber-turkeys, and therefore everyone is too busy running and screaming to have sex with either Xev or Stanley. And even if they weren't too busy, neither Xev nor Stan would _want_ to have sex with nekkid old men. 


	2. Lexx 5.02 : The Rambling Insectoids

Lexx 5.02: The Rambling Insectoids

Synopsis: The Lixx's crew, while sitting around and trying to master the game of chess with Kai and exchanging biting quips about each other's physical appearances,  
encounter a strange purple bubble floating in space. Retrieving it, they find that inside is a large alien woman with green fur and three breasts. Naturally, Stan is intrigued. They revive her by tossing water on her face, and she introduces herself as 'Butch'. She says she was in space because she needed some adventure on another planet, and since her civilization hasn't yet discovered spacial propulsion, she had to use the bubble. She just happened to be sleeping when they came along. Sometime after they show her around the ship, Kai starts singing the Brunnen-G song (*heart-flutter*), and Butch pipes in. She has an incredible voice, and this gives Stan the idea to start a rock band, a dream he's had since early childhood. (This is discovered in a series of hazy, dream-like flashbacks filled with ripping guitars and quick flashes of Stan getting booed of the stage or being pelted with vegetables.) Butch and Xev agree, and they eventually convince Kai to join as well. (Remember that episode in Canada? What band _wouldn't_ be better with the addition of Kai?) Both of 790's personalities are dead-set against it, however, unless the person they love can be the  
front-man/woman.   
After about fifteen minutes of fruitless arguing, the conclusion is reached that both 790's should be ignored. They then decide that since neither Butch, Stan, or Xev can actually play an instrument, they will all have to sing. And that leaves Kai with the job of pianist/saxophonist/drummer/pipe-organist/flautist/violinist/guitarist/xylophonist/cow-bellist. Kai does not mind. They name the band the "The Rambling Insectoids," for reasons known only to themselves.  
Once everything is settled, and another fifteen minutes is taken for them to write a hit song (which is, basically, the Brunnen-G song playing over and over and over again. Can't resist the Brunnen-G.), the eager-to-please Lixx flies them to a nearby music-loving planet and they go down in moths, being careful to tie 790 up. They get a gig at an all-male strip club. Luckily, they aren't picky, so they set up their gear and start to play. Everything goes well at first, until some terrible interference causes Butch's eardrums to burst, and she falls down dead on stage, because apparently her species hearts are located near their ears or something. Without Butch, it's just Stan and Xev singing, and Kai trying to play every instrument known to man. Needless to say, the strip club patrons boo them away, and they flee back to the Lixx.  
  
**What the Dead do not do**: Play air-guitar; Sign autographs; Have wild sex with groupies; Like to watch scantily-clad men undulate; Eat raisins.  
  
**Why there is no sex**: Well, as it comes out sometime during the mothride to the music planet, though Butch may seem very female, with her high-pitched voice and three boobs and all, she is actually a gender completely different from both males and females. And she is attracted to a gender completely different from her own, males, and females. Therefore she has no interest in either Xev or Stan, and even if she did they wouldn't ... fit. Right.   
And as for the strip club, the men are all very gay. So they don't want Xev, and Stan doesn't want them. Because as we all know, Stan likes the _ladies_


	3. Lexx 5.03 : Critters and Caverns

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Synopsis: Once again orbiting one of those many viable planets placed randomly throughout the galaxy (Light or dark now? I really don't know.), the crew of the Lixx discover that the whole thing is, as far as they can tell, inhabited entirely by people who sit around in taverns and drink ale. (Yum!) Assuming that since there is beer, there is also a chance for some fun, they ride down on a moth that's tinged blue. Obviously a male moth. Yes, hey have genders now.  
Entering one of the taverns they are immediately greeted by a tall man in a robe, who looks suspiciously like his Divine Shadow. Only he's not. (thought he was, didn't you?) After shaking hands with them, getting their names, and sending a wink in Xev's direction, he turns and announces to everyone that they are "Stanley the Unattractive Warrior Monk," "Xev the Demon Succubus Witch," "Kai, the Elven Necromancer," and "790, the Bipolar Golem Bard's Head."  
Little do they know that what they have landed on is a planet that long ago got sucked into a Role-playing game called Critters and Caverns. Everyone there now thinks they are actually a part of the game. And twistedly enough, the game works through creating physical things through the players' imaginations. So those poison-breathing behemoths everyone talks about slaying? They're really there. We know this because of a sudden scene change to a group of strangers who, at the mention of said poison-breathing behemoth, immediately get eaten by one. And then a guy with long hair and a grody beard comes out and recites the history of the planet to no one in particular, and leaves. (i.e. "Too bad everyone is so caught up in this stupid game they don't know what's real anymore.") Convenient, eh?  
But the crew is still clueless. As they sit down at a table to drink, a terribly attractive woman in a skimpy chain-mail ensemble approaches and offers Stan a gold-covered Holy Book to slay an enormous flying amphibian that's holding her family hostage for some reason. Stan spends a few minutes telling her that he doesn't want a book, and insinuating (poorly) what he really wants. You all know what he really wants. The woman just doesn't get it. Nevertheless, off they go to slay the amphibian, chain-mail woman as a guide. Maybe she'll wise up after it's dead.  
They bravely traverse a swamp filled with fire-belching purple rats and small stumpy people with sharp sticks that live in fallen logs. Then they bravely traverse an ice-scape filled with long-toothed polar bears. Then finally they bravely traverse a big rocky landscape filled with falling meteors. They manage to get through okay, (Kai shoots everything with his wrist-thing. Go Kai!) and reach the cave where the flying amphibian is holding chain-mail's family.  
When they enter they discover the amphibian's starved to death because it was too large to _exit_ it's cave for food. So everyone's reunited and happy. But chain-mail still does not the gist of Stanley's euphemisms. And chain-mail's three manly brothers do not want to go anywhere near Xev. (Continue reading for an explanation. ^.^) They are all very frustrated (except Kai), and they return to their ship. Stan throws his new Holy Book out the moth's window on the way back.  
  
**What The Dead do not do**: Look like elves; Summon dead things back to life; Share their ale; Recite mantras at the request of people who are not really monks; Wear metal pants.  
  
**Why There is no Sex**: Everyone thinks that Stanley is a Warrior Monk. And everyone knows that one cannot have sex with a monk. it is sacreligious. Therefore everyone is perfectly happy to give Stan gold and flowers and books, but not what he really wants.  
Xev is introduced as a Demon Succubus Witch, and though the whole male population of the planet (those that see her, anyway) is _really_ tempted to get with her, they all know that when you "get with" a Demon Succubus Witch, you become a Writhing Lesser Pimple-Imp almost immediately. So however hard it might be, they all stay as far away as possible. 


	4. Lexx 5.04 : Clitchy

Lexx 5.04: Cliché  
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bSynopsis:/b The crew of the Lixx isn't really feeling up to any big adventures after the whole slightly painful "Critters and Caverns" fiasco. So they meander around the Lixx, Stanley complaining about the poor quality of the food, Xev complaining about how she never gets any, both of 790's personalities reciting conflicting epic poetry, and Kai being dead.  
It is all very dull and typical until Stanley finds a large red button on the back of his captain's chair-standing-up-thing. A cardboard sign hung over it with string says "Cliché." Stanley reads it out loud: "Clitchy." Figuring it's probably something sexual, he pushes down. There is an earthquake (Lixx-quake?) during which the cameras shake around chaotically and the crew, who have inexplicably walked onto the bridge at just the right time, jump up and down. When it's all over, they stare at each other dumbly until Xev shouts, "Hey, I'm Xev!"  
See, as it turns out, everyone has switched bodies with everyone else. 792 is now 796 and vice-versa. This isn't really a problem, because they share a body. They continue to recite poetry. However, Stan is Xev, Xev is Stan, the Lixx is Kai, and Kai is the Lixx. Kai spends the rest of the episode laying catatonically on the floor. And the Lixx is, well, the same, except for his off-and-on quips of "The dead do not blow up planets."  
Xev-Stanley (who has Xev's brain) drills Stanley-Xev (who has Stan's brain) of what exactly he did to cause this, because no one else would have been that stupid. Stanley-Xev, after getting over the fact that every bit of him is now attractive but his hair, admits that he pressed the "clitchy" button, expecting something more gratifying than what had happened. Xev-Stanley goes to look at the button, glares at Stanley-Xev, and defines the word "cliché" in tones less than friendly. Stanley-Xev feels very bad.  
The pair spends the majority of the rest of the episode doing various things to get themselves back to normal: standing on their heads; taking mind-altering drugs that result in short, trippy little dream-vignettes; singing the Brunnen-G song over and over; putting themselves into the cryochambers and thinking very hard about what they used to look like; saying "I wish I was in my iown/i body," at exactly the same time; and running around each other in circles until they collapse of dizziness.  
Sometime during this, Stanley-Xev finds the time to get a pair of scissors and cut his hair to a more managable length. Before he has a chance to actually chop it off however, he realizes that it is but an ugly wig, and he simply pulls it off. This reveals the shorter red hair of Xev from season 2. He is quite pleased with this. In fact, so is Xev-Stanley, who says that she never really liked that style, but kept it because she'd never actually done her hair before. She'd just woken up and it had been perfect.  
Xev-Stanley goes power-tripping and orders the Lixx to blow up a nearby moon, because she now has the key. But since the Lixx is actually Kai, he refuses with the excuse given above.  
Finally, Kai-Lixx (who has Kai's brain), suggests that they push the "cliché" button again. Xev-Stanley tries it, and, lo and behold! it works like a charm and everything is back to normal. Kai stands up, looks bored, and goes back to his cryochamber. The episode ends on the funny note of the Lixx piping up "I feel funny," and Xev, Stanley, 792, and 796, bursting out laughing uproariously.  
p  
bWhat the dead do not do:/b Blow up planets. (I know you probably feel cheated. I'm sorry. But there was not a lot of Kai in this one. I promise to make it up to you later.)  
p  
bWhy no one has sex:/b They meet no one to have sex with. And they certainly aren't going to have sex with each other, because even though they might be in different bodies, they still have the same brains. And we all know that their personalities clash like, well, Titans. Or something like that. 


End file.
